bigfatwhale

Fellow weirdos, creeps, and deadbeats,
If you were wondering why I no longer update this abomination of a LiveJournal, it's because I'm too lazy to cut and paste entries from my real blog, which is an embarassing enough distraction itself.

I will consider reposting things here again if enough people submit notes from their doctors saying they are physically unable to visit other sites on the internet.

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Our nation's electoral system is biased against weekly cartoonists. With elections on Tuesdays, most of us can't do a timely cartoon about that week's results because our deadlines are usually the Friday or Monday before.

So instead of counting my chickens before they hatched like last time, I went with a safe cartoon that mocked religion. Religious pareidolia is a real phenomenon. A real phenomenon experienced by real morons.

Next Week: Fine Dining Guide, unless I can come up with something better while you're all enjoying your weekends.

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I'm just getting over a cold, and have to work on some other stuff. Thankfully this dumb cartoon doesn't require any explanation. I know the joke about the strong force doesn't really work, since that force only acts on the atomic level. But most (if not all) of you aren't particle physicists.

I have a cartoon in this week's Phoenix about the race for governor here in Massachusetts. It's been a weird campaign, with the Republican Kerry Healey running some of the most negative ads in the country and Democrat Deval Patrick sticking with optimismic and hopeful ones. He can afford to do that with his 25 point lead in the polls.

Out of state readers may be surprised to know Massachusetts has had a Republican governor for the past sixteen years. Or more likely, out of state readers just won't care.

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Events are conspiring against me. I have no time to write a pithy entry about this cartoon. I'll just say that if the House predictions fail to materialize (or enough votes are Diebolded away), I will go on a bender to end all benders.

Next Week: I'm going to eat a bunch of clearance candy corn. I'm still not sure what the cartoon is going to be about.

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This cartoon came into existence after I mentioned the ending of the Dennis the Menace remake and my friend Rebecca asked, "Where Christopher Lloyd eats all the beans and has debilitating gas symptoms?" It was the most clinical and hilarious description of farting ever uttered. Also the image of Princess Grace stuffing her face with beans then doubling over with flatulence is hard to beat.

I'm a bit of a lazybones and didn't want to draw a lot before I left for DC, otherwise I would've drawn everyone of these actors with distended, bean-filled bellies, except for Welles, which would've been indistinguishable from a regular portrait.

Next Week: Underreported Democrat Scandals

BFW's fifth birthday was two days ago. I would've posted this then, but I just got back from SPX and had to have my car fixed. To celebrate this essentially meaningless milestone, I created a cartoon out of random panels from comics in six month intervals, starting with the first BFW cartoon ever.

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It ends in October 2005, which you can still find in my archives. You can find a lot of the earlier stuff if you buy books from my store.

And since I promised Rob Balder I'd post it at SPX, here's the cartoon that made him a BFW fan. I don't know what kind of sauce he was on at the time, because if I saw that today, I'd point and laugh at myself.

On an unrelated note, I've been using Last.fm for a year now. I've listened to a shitload of music. Maybe I should go outside at some point.

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These are some dumb snacks I made up. I could claim that this is a commentary on obesity in America, but I'm not fooling anyone.

I hate the water that condenses and pools at the top of ketchup bottles. If I was in Gitmo right now and a CIA torture specialist gave me the choice of being peed on or eating soggy ketchup water fries, I'd have to think about it.

Upcoming events

Thursday, October 12 7PM - I'll be appearing at Politics & Prose with fellow Cartoonists With Attitude, Ted Rall, Mikhaela Reid, Matt Bors, Jen Sorensen, Masheka Wood, August Pollak, Stephanie McMillan, and Ben Smith.

Friday-Saturday, October 13 & 14 - I'll also be at the CWA table at SPX in Bethesda, MD. I'm sure I will get bored standing around, so come early!

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Did you know George Allen is an asshole? He is. This cartoon ended up being too similiar to this thing from Slate for me to bother writing a long post about Virginia politics.

Also, Dick Wadhams is Allen's campaign manager's real name. I'm not clever enough to make something like that up.

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I came up with the phrase "God's Goofballs" last week and instantly fell in love with it. I was confident I'd be able to make something hilarious out of it. Instead, I was only able to make mediocre God's Goofballs-ade.

The Rapture is never going to happen. I wish it would. We'd finally be rid of a large portion of the world's self-righteous assholes. Believing the Apocalypse is near is something morons have been doing for thousands of years, even before Christ came along.

The end of the world may very well happen, but its details won't be anything like that cosplay nerd fantasy that's the book of Revelation. It will be tragic for everyone, sinners and saints alike, and will most likely have been completely preventable.

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As promised, here are some jokes about inventions. And yes fellow nerds, I'm aware that ARPANET was never intended to survive a nuclear attack. It was merely designed to allow access to the few computers that could do things in the time before Pong.

Although I only brought it up so I could draw a church in a uterus, fundamentalists really believe they have some property rights to every woman's lady parts. And now the federal government has issued guidelines that treat women as nothing but baby factories, which completely ignores their usefulness as jiggling objects in rap videos. (To prevent any confusion like what happened here: That's a joke.) Mikhaela has a much better comic on the issue.

In case you don't remember year-old celebrity gossip, the Alexander Graham Bell joke is about Pat O'Brien's skeevy voicemails. It's no longer on the site, but I made fun of O'Brien in an earlier cartoon. Buy a book and see how unfunny it was for yourself!

Next Week: God's Goofballs

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I admit that this cartoon doesn't really have anything to do with politics. I'm just using the Senate's most cantankerous old codger as a vehicle to deliver some nonsense phrases that were clogging my notebook o' chuckles.

Although Stevens is only marginally involved with the content of this cartoon, the guy is still a douche. His recent crazy streak has managed to destroy any goodwill I had towards the sate of Alaska from watching Northern Exposure (before it got shitty) in my youth.

It's still not up on their site, so here's the full page comic I did for last week's Phoenix.

Next Week: Some crappy jokes about inventions.

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I made up fake animals, and then I drew them. The only other thing I can say about this cartoon was that it was partly inspired by this hopefully facetious post on Boing Boing.

Of course there are animals that haven't been discovered yet. But all the big names, Bigfoot, Nessie, la Chupacabra, and the Moderate Republican, are just the wild fantasies of people who like to pretend they're scientists. I could poo in a shoe and mix some blueberries in it, and half of the cryptozoology community would take it as proof of something.

If you live in the Boston area, I have a full page comic in this week's Back to School Supplement of the Phoenix. I'll post a link for the rest of you as soon as it becomes available.

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If I had any balls, I would've done this months ago instead of waiting until everyone but neocon assholes agreed Iraq is in the midst of civil war. But alas, I am ball-less.

Rumsfeld's baseball metaphor would be equally ridiculous if he was talking about the Red Sox. Christ, this is the worst baseball season for Boston since Joe Kerrigan piloted the good ship Fuck Up a couple years ago.

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I like this cartoon. Others may not. If you are a square, you might not know what the dozens are. Well now you do.

Next Week: Shit, I have no idea.

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I have nothing against people with moderate opinions. My beef is with the centrism snobs, who somehow feel morally superior by wallowing in the shit between the sides on every single issue. Obviously every issue isn't black and white; I'm not a naive 14-year-old girl. But not every issue has a cushy gray area either.

Iraq is an excellent example. The gray area between invading a country based on shitty intelligence and not invading doesn't exist. It's the same as invading a country, but with a bunch of bullshit excuses.

Tom Friedman's recent change of heart on Iraq shouldn't be news. He was wrong, willfully so, in the run-up to war. And for that, he deserves to be kicked off of the tropical island of relevancy.

Next Week: I get classy.

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Here are some jokes about art. Some I like, others I don't.

Here's an idea for a fun Friday activity: Guess which ones I don't like, write them down on the back of an old childhood photograph. Tie a balloon to the old photo, make a wish, and let it go. Guess what? You just did performance art. Congratulations.

Next Week: A roundabout way of saying Tom Friedman is a douchebag.

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I tried to make the math as valid as possible. I'm sure many people won't be happy with the equation or the rankings. However, it's no accident that albinos and those with absolutely no gayness at all get an LVF of infinity.

I've been dodging the Israel-Lebanon issue because I can't think of a funny angle on it. Since no one's coming here for foreign policy advice, I believe I should only do a cartoon if it's funny. I'll leave the preachy histrionics to everyone else.

What else? "Octoroon's Constant" is one of my favorite jokes, which probably means no one else likes it. If I was musically inclined, I'd be in a band called Planck and the Constants.

Next Week: I make fun of art.

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I originally wanted every bit of advice the carny gave to be "join the carnival," but decided that wasn't much of a joke to waste eight panels on. After I wrote this, I felt like a dick for picking on poor defenseless carnies. But then I remembered all the times they wouldn't let me on rides because I was too short. So fuck 'em.

I'm not sure if it works in comic strip form, but I think "Ask a Carny" could thrive as a regular feature of this blog. I'm fortunate enough to have a friend who works in the carnival arts and he's willing to answer your questions. He doesn't have email, so if you send them to me (whale [at] bigfatwhale.com) I will pass them along through the CB. I'll post his responses the next time he drifts through town.

Next Week: I attempt to wrestle the serious issues of the day while wearing a singlet of hilarity.

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Upon learning of Ken Lay's death, I wanted to do a large single panel cartoon titled "All Assholes Go to Heaven." It would've been a larger version of this comic's final panel and featured many dead politicians and celebrities I'm not very fond of. For those of you who can't decipher my mediocre illustration, the three people greeting Lay in Asshole Heaven are Strom Thurmond, Richard Nixon, and Ronald Reagan.

I'm not clear on the reasons, but I was asked to obscure Reagan's face by Campus Progress. And since I will do anything for money, I obliged. However, I am still confident that the man would be in Asshole Heaven if such a place existed.

I apologize for getting all high falutin' and using the word corporeal. Who do I think I am?

And a gentle reminder: I encourage all of you to buy assorted BFW goods. Otherwise I may have to run a bunch of Wayne Dyer specials to solicit money from sad and lonely old people.